Okay, I’m not food stamp, dirt-eating, pick-your-pocket-for-your-used-snotrag-poor (and God bless those who are, truly) – but we don’t have much money to spare. But, since we’re sort of still newlyweds, we do like to go out and have a good time, we like movies, entertainment, clothes, and things, and so before I share some highlights from the past week with you, I want to share with you some of my favorite things. Favorite things that don’t break the budget. And? PS? I hatethe song “My Favorite Things.” I only really hate it because it’s played constantly on Lite FM 93.9 when they’re supposed to be playing Christmas Music, and I’m sorry, but the word “snowflakes” does not make this song Christmas-y. Please. I’m going to see snowflakes on Saturday – Valentine’s Day – a good month-and-a-half after Christmas. Nice try, Delilah. ANYWAY – check these out, if you’re watching your dollahhhhs (or even if you’re not):
1 – Ian’s Pizza:http://www.ianspizza.com/
Thank you, Betsy Diers and Will Dunlop. This is truly amazing. Indulge. This is where the “noodles on pizza” comes in. Sure, I was moderately intoxicated when I tried this stuff a few months back, but the fact that I remember it so vividly should tell you something. A slice of Macaroni & Cheese pizza was shoved into my face… I bit, I chewed, I swallowed – I died and went to heaven.
2 – The Rabid Grey Kitten? My cat, Lolo, affectionately referred to as “Hee-Haw.” We rescued her when she was about 6 weeks old. She was hiding in a woodpile in our huge back yard at our house in Macomb, along with her brothers and sisters. She was free. We spent a little on vet care, but rescuing the runt of this helpless litter? That, my friends, was priceless. If you’re an animal-lover but allergic to furry creatures, check out www.bestfriends.org. You can donate to help thousands of animals – not just your basic cats & dogs – including animals who are victims of abuse, natural disasters, and general unfortunate-ness. (…English major.)
3 – Get your ass to the library. Stat. Start reading again, people. My next entry will be a list of my current recommendations. A hint? It will span everything from Jen Lancaster (www.jennsylvania.com) to D.H. Lawrence. Many also have DVD’s and music for free, too – or at least for a lesser fee than you’ll pay at Family Video. Trust me, I know. Please see the previous entry regarding my job history. You might not find “Pop Goes the Cherry” at the Naperville Public Library (true story. I’m not clever enough to create these amazing porn titles), but you’ll find something good. Unless you’re looking for porn, in which case, come on, man, find yourself a real woman.
4 – Zappos. www.zappos.com
I love shoes. I hate spending money. I have okay shoes. I love shoes. Did I mention that I love shoes?
5 – LINGO!!! http://www.bigmoneyarcade.com/index.php?action=playgame&gameid=656
Yes, it’s true: we watch GSN. That’s Game Show Network, for you non-losers out there. Lingo is a word game, and it’s great fun even for the non-English-major folks. It’s free, and it’s a good distraction from the day-to-day hassles (aka work) that you’ll encounter. The site also features a fashion design game, but I thought talking about Lingo would make me sound smarter… Did it? Let me know.
6 – Stardoll. www.stardoll.com
Um… you have to be just like me to enjoy this. You can choose outfits… for celebrities… and stuff… I’m getting nervous, now. Does admitting that I FRIGGEN LOVE THIS SITE make me totally lame? Maybe. But you’re so checking it out right now. I can sense it. So I feel a little better.
7 – FREE SAMPLES. www.thunderfap.com
You can look at other sites, too. I forage for this shit. Google “free samples.” You have to wade through some worthless scams, but you can get some free stuff. Coffee samples, pet stuff, laundry detergent (what? I like spring-fresh garments…) abound. And it’s free. What the hell is free anymore? Maybe the regret I feel after spending $96 on discount designer sunglasses is free, but the sunglasses weren’t, so I guess guilt is free, too. WTF. Get some free Tide, man.
8 – Read blogs. Like mine. And tell people about them. *SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION.* A couple of my favorites?
May December – http://melissacmorris.blogspot.com/ (Gee… why am I interested in a blog about a young blonde who married an older man? Hmmm…
The Pioneer Woman – www.thepioneerwoman.com(I plug her for a reason. Advice on everything. Dry wit. Why isn’t she my BFF?)
Jen Lancaster – www.jennsylvania.com(…Okay, third mention of her on my relatively young blog. I might be obsessed. You can’t get a restraining order for blog-stalking, right?…Right? If the Pioneer Woman isn’t my BFF, Jen is. She’s a sarcastic, bitchy-fab woman who likes good food and good drinking.)
Lindsey Markel – http://ljm.tumblr.com/ (This girl probably has NO IDEA that I think she’s God’s gift to everything. I laugh myself into pissing every time I read anything she writes. The kicker? I actually know this person. I may or may not have been in a play with her at some point, and we may or may not have watch The L Word at Monmouth College together. Keep an eye on this one. She’s a strange genius.)
Speaking of strange genius. Do you ever see people who are so odd, so ridiculous, that you assume they must be brilliant? I mean, you assume they have so much going on ‘up there’ that you don’t even bother to pass any sort of judgment?
Example. The other day, Chris and I were able to meet for lunch O-U-T-S-I-D-E when it was 60 glorious degrees. We walked to this bench on Wacker, about a block from my office, where we dined during the summer months (PBJ tastes so much better in the lunch-hour sunshine). Suddenly, our inane conversation (truly – inane. We make up words and talk nonsense for my entire 30 minutes of Freedom) was interrupted by… a Sousa march. No, seriously. Sousa. SOUSA. I haven’t heard a Sousa number since my days in junior high band (even Monmouth College’s pep band shied away from them), and I was oddly thrilled. We soon discovered the source: a 9,000 year-old man in a beige Cadillac was blaring a Sousa march from his speakers, sub-woofers thumping, like it was a… well… shoot. Pop-culture, hip-hop, with-it folks? Please give me a reference, here. Um, he was blaring it like it was Gangsta Rap. I’m even awkward when I spell out Gangsta, so obviously my bad-ass-ed-ness is severely lacking, but trust me, it was LOUD. And amazing. The lunch-hour-rush folks were trying their best to not march to the beat, but it was impossible. The La Salle/Wacker intersection of corporate Chicago was marching to an impromptu parade. Stars and Stripes forever, baby.
It didn’t even occur to me to find this man odd. Instead, I was all, “you go, Grandpa.” You. Go. It gave me the balls to blast ABBA on the way home. This man was, perhaps, crazy – but he was also an inspiration. Crazy Cadillac Man 2012!!!
Also, I hope that people paid me the same respect last Saturday night, when we attempted to take my mother-in-law out to dinner at a relatively nice restaurant in downtown Naperville. I was so excited; she doesn’t go out to dinner very often, she loves eating out (okay, five-year-olds, get the silly sexual innuendos out of your minds so you can enjoy the story), and she was visiting for the weekend. We decided to go to Catch-35. (Back story? She’s a recovering alcoholic, and she hit 20 years of sobriety – we were going out to celebrate. Congrats, Connie – you’re amazing!!!) We were walking up to the restaurant’s entrance, which is entirely glass, and which was entirely full.
“You’ll love this place!!!” I cried, thinking of the fabulous, multi-colored, oddly-shaped chandeliers that I knew were right up her alley. As I proclaimed this, I had a wardrobe malfunction.
No, I did not flash a breast.
Or an ass cheek.
Or my love handles.
Or my cellulite.
(Are you turned on?)
See, I was wearing these wide-leg pants, with a cute blouse tucked into them, and I looked all adorable and such, but something. Went. Wrong.
I fell. No — no, I didn’t just fall. I fell amazingly. I got the heel of my $9.00 Target pumps tangled in the wide-legged-trousers, and I did a fantastic triple-axel-sow-cow-back-flip-booty-dance down onto the concrete. Right in front of the restaurant door. You never saw so many concerned, overly made-up faces in your life.
My favorite part? The couple that was exiting the restaurant, who pretended to be concerned, but were obviously gawking and suppressing laugher, because they just stared at me as I untangled my legs – which were wound into some sort of complex cats cradle configuration – and peeled myself from the chilly concrete, trying to keep my cool.
By the way? “My cool” involves utterances like, “Ha-ha, I’m okay… Nothing hurt but my pride! Ha-ha, OUCH! Ha-Ha, Hope I’m not bleeding! Ha-Ha…FUCKINGSHITCHRIST that hurt! Ha-Ha! I CAN’T WAIT TO GO OUT TO DINNER! HA-HA! STOP LOOKING AT ME!”
Anyway, they stared at me as I picked myself up (Thanks, Mama E and Chris for not laughing), and then, only after I was walking inside, did they kind of burp the words, “uhyouokay?” – to which I replied “Yes, go away, I’m fine, go away, please, go away.”
Do you imagine they thought I was some sort of eccentric genius? Yes, that’s it! Perhaps they thought that all the brilliant minds of our time hurl themselves toward restaurant doors, so anticipating the blackened salmon that they must thrust themselves agressively toward the revolving doors, pressing breast to concrete as if to say, “Yes, I so adore seafood that I must pray to this very sidewalk in order to show my undying love.” Maybe they think I’m an intellectual, right?
Probably not. Anyway, I wish there had been a Sousa march playing. What a parade it would have been. What a parade, indeed.
Before we close, here – allow me to relay to you another instance of obvious genius. This is an exact – yes, verbatim – transcript of a phone conversation had at work:
Ring, Ring!
Me: “Thank you for calling ___ ___ ___!”
Caller: “Is the CEO there?”
Me: “Yes, and may I ask who is calling?”
Caller: “Yeah, this is Matt seihehghassenpooper.”
Me: “Alright, great! And what is the call regarding?”
Caller: “….” (Pause.) “…It’s regarding YOUR MOTHER.”
Click.
A hang-up.
Brilliant.
Poor Receptionist.
Poor, Poor Receptionist.
other free entertainment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtX8nswnUKU
YES WHY IS THIS SO FUNNY